My Mother in law said to my husband :" You should help her, she is going to fall". Good point. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. Do I wish that were not the case? Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. He said it was too clinical and she was cold. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. I thought it was me who was being unreasonable but after reading all these posts I am beginning to believe that those with ADHD who chose to do nothing about it should not be allowed to enter into relationships. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. This is a personality disorder. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). A few weeks ago, he reiterated (I think he's said this once before) why nothing worked: while he professed to wanting a relationship with me, he actually is unable to form personal connections. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. So You carry on, steady through the storm. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! Stay away from me!" And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. That's why the 'pursuit' or 'in your face' strategy that you are using fails. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. When he's not sleeping, he's making random 'sick' noises like sighing, Despite all of that, he manages to capture the hearts of those that perhaps will be in his life a few hours. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. Iv been with my partner only 2 years yet everytime hes sick he bails out to go with his mates or even when I'm not sick, that or either on his game all day. I wasn't even allowed to adjust my own pillows. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. They will always be more important than you. it's not the same as OCD. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. We've been married 17 years. not good. But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. Recently I was knocked down by a I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. He love bombed me too. Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. The tender, close, intimate kind of love that touches your heart and soul, and makes you feel genuinely connected in a deeper emotionally inter-connected way. You are right. But you dont care. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. I had started a new job so I could not take him to get his surgery, but I did leave work early, come home and take care of him, make chicken soup, the whole deal. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. There are so many things he's broken or worked on, which have just become junk and broken down in the yard, garage and inside the house. He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. Blank. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. He might show it in other ways. He is Extremely self centered, has No Empathy or Sympathy for anyone except himself. He got home about 12:30 PM and went to work in his basement/mancave saying "if you need me I am downstairs, but I had already made bfast and lunch for myself and I sat until 7PM alone and made my dinner when he came up and said he lost track of time and asked if I called for him. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. In the second, you instell a desire to avoid you, not connect. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. Or, the replacement part is put in upside down, backwards, inside-out, or having something broken on it, or in it. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. Female here sick and tired of whiny twats like you. Clearly you know it's a problem and you're still in that relationship and most likely going to have kids with him yourself and then act like oh no poor me I still got married and had kids with the guy that's treated me like crap since day one. Are you 5 years old? Tell your spouse that although you For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. We parted ways. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! I want to leave him but my family is against it. to stand on my own and realize that until he gets help, this will not change and so it was time to live and grow and be "the mistress of my domain and my life". His answer was absolutely not. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. He didn't. And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. Yes, the victim mentality and what you said is so true. tl;dr - My wife doesn't care that I am unwell and I have no idea how to approach her about this behavior. To us I should say. I pretend I am single and take care of me and my home for me. Someone who can be inspirational, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves. If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. Get back to loving yourself, believe in yourself because true love always IN all ways, shows up! Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. All I can say is wow. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. He hates the snow. The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. Germaphobe type thing? WebA female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 November 2011): It doesn't mean that he doesn't care. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. I will keep that in mind. He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? I couldn't even keep them down or even water it was so bad and my mom called the Doc back and he said if I couldn't keep the water or pills down to take me into the emergency room? He did - but was very angry and mean about it. But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. Our daughter just had surgery overseas. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. Anyway..it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right? registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without You dont care about my illness. Thanks a lot!" Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. I think the explanation for her behavior lies in a few traits from her background: Latina with history of macho men in her past. You know, a "special" love. If I'm sick or hurt (e.g. The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. My husband continued to be gone 4-5 nights a week with activities and my kids were completely out of control during this time, so I was exhausted and dealing with severe behavior issues each evening. Or pulled a muscle in my back. It is a difficult way to have to be for someone whose nature isbenevolent and caring but it seems thesequalities are manipulated by the ADD spouse making the non spousefeel worthless. She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. Please ask around or ask someone in your family to get online and see what public options are available for you- to either improve your eye sight or get back to your home country. Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. Here is another way to think about it. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD, I see him as cold and heartless. It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. Have been married for 4years now. WHAT? Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. Wanting to CONNECT? Boy did we cry. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it . it is a simple desire to be seen as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship. I sit on the couch and tell him I've got a fever. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. (again, fear). If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. When I'm sick, yes. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. I would like to see him live with this and all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes. Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed.
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