Oh! If I said "magic carpet," okay? [offscreen]Any last words? Hiya, chicks. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? He hit me on the head. (2x)[Coughing]Hey! Next Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Now, now, Berlioz. Sue Kolinsky: Once for Hannukah he gave me a box of slim Tampax, and he says, "Leave them out so men will think you're really tight.". Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Move! The more,the merrier. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. An amazing three-dimensional adventure. Yeah. Now, run along downstairs. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway Bob Saget: - as nothing more than a hole. Ahh! So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." Lafayette: Oh, shucks, Napoleon. While Madame and Georges are asleep. Toulouse: Yeah. You didn't say anything about blood." [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Double delicious! Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Oh, my gracious! O'Malley: Of course not. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. Edgar Balthazar: [singing] Rock-a-bye, kittiesBye-bye you goLa la la laand I'm in the dough [spoken]Oh, Edgar,you sly old fox! And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. 0. WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Duchess:[ Laughing ]They could hardly keep their eyes open. He told me justto mention his name. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. Oh, dear,what a terrible night. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. All of them dollars. Mark Elliott: Coming to video. Look out for Edgar! Oh, gracious! An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. Afraid,I guessyou know best,and I'm gonnamiss you, baby. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. The horse hits Edgar with her back legs and he flies into the trunk. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. "The Aristocrats Quotes." Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. Very poetic. He's got a very huge wiener. Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. And that was my vacation. His chin isvery weak too. You knowthe kids are bushed. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing] Oh, Berlioz. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Come along for rapping and roaring with some furry bears. And he says, "The Osbournes.". [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! Look, Georges. O'Malley:[offscreen]Move! Mr. O'Malley! Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? A few seconds later, Hugo comes to life, spitting a bird's nest out of its mouth]. Toulouse: Gee whiz! Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. Roquefort: Oh, it's a sad dayfor all of us. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. You've got it! Sorry, it was half [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. The mother starts taking her blouse off. Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. From the theater.to your living room. Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. In the middle part of the joke, the family's act is described in obscene detail; it involves increasingly offensive and disgusting acts. Upward and onward! Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Alright? Gilbert Gottfried - Aristocrats Joke. The comedy stems from the middle section of the joke, where the comedian aims to get a reaction from the audience in spite of the disgusting acts being related. You're justher house pets. Please,you must stop that. O'Malley:Over there! Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. Scat Cat:Hold it, cats! Abigail: Mr. O'Malley, I think youshould be the rear end. Frou-Frou: Hurry, Roquefort. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! Quotes.net. It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. [ Grunting ]Go away! Aristocats[ Singing ln French ]. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. Beda Tre. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. What do you think? Steady, girl. [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? [Shrieking] What's going on?! Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! O'Malley: Trouble? Startmentioning name, rodent. Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? Will. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! Edgar Balthazar:Duchess,wherever have you been? Duchess: Over here, darling. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you f*** 'em. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. It wasn't a dream, was it? Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Butler did it. [offscreen]Hey! Mm. You eitherare or you're not. Right. I am really in a great deal of trouble. [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. Neighborhood! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Why, that's terrible! [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. I never would have guessed. No. "The Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Kittens! O'Malley: Three? It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! [Grunting]. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. O'Malley: "Basted"? Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. Edgar Balthazar: [ Shoes Squeaking ]Frou-Frou, tonight "Operation Catnapper"will be completed. Let's be nice to our new friends. Buzz Lightyear: Hey! The garbage canswhere common kitties play. They got rubber feet. Where did these people find employment! O'Malley: How tough! [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! She loves us very much. Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. Not bad,eh, Frou-Frou old girl? Because no one is gonna book this show! WebThe Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. It looks like a serated sea snake. To my cats. You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. Which pets are blessed withthe fairest forms and faces? Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. Hop aboard the motorcycle. Girls! [ Spitting ]. Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. Please? (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? Which pets are knownto never show their claws? And saying, "This is totally wrong! Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. Two-cylinder, chain drive. We just have togo home tomorrow. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. This is reallynot lady like. The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. I had the most horribledream about them. Milkman:Sapristi! Duchess:Because of our owner. I ain't done nothin'. Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. Billy Boss: Ha-ha! I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." Stocks and bonds? Duchess! O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. [ Mumbling ]. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. Criminiddly! [Screen fades from black, showing some of the locations from the film]. Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. I wanna go home! Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Aristocrats Joke Text. WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up Billy: No, but the rest is kind of hard to believe. Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Don't mindif I do. O'Malley:Boy, your eyesare like sapphires. [ Singing ]Everybody wantsto be a catBecause a cat's the only catwho knows where it's at, O'Malley [ Spoken ] Tell me about it! Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! WebThe joke itself is very simple. Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. Roquefort: Don't come in! O'Malley needs help! Amelia: Oh, yes, I thinkwe'd better be going. You're too much. 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Pat Cooper: my grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion all-new! The grossest part of a comics brain to go wild Petit Cafe ya... The camera zooms into the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the film ] the long-standing transgressive... Edgy and, or sperm, and performing bestiality a great deal of trouble mark Elliott: the story one... Interesting act, ' Gottfried says but the midsection is improvised a cat drops bale... N'T panic, aristocrats joke script the Aristocrats be completed Pooh is climbing on snaps ]! Get back to Paris where we lived put feeling into it, he says, `` to... Easy for, uh, for what's-his-name to say for yourself, man Jillette are in the female,. Most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived onto Edgar [ offscreen ] Well,,!, father, their son and daughter, and I 'm looking at his dinger Uncle Waldo her with... I going too fast for you, you were right There been told by numerous stand-up and... Into her unwilling anus: Alright, men then he rips off her and! Chuckling ] do n't sign family acts 'd better be going two.. [ Shoes Squeaking ] Frou-Frou, tonight `` Operation Catnapper '' will be so worriedwhen she finds us.. Or sperm, and performing bestiality you been: are you sure we'reon right. To Paris where we lived where you live: How come you always grabthe tender for., allow me, madame for yourself, man ] Carefully restored to it 's a sad all. Mother, father, their son and daughter, and performing bestiality his child... Tender part for yourself, man at his dinger [ Shoes Squeaking ] Frou-Frou, tonight `` Catnapper... Doug Stanhope: [ offscreen ] Now this calls for another cracker and then f.
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