Everyone in the family you mean? Grrr. (Tips & Things to Know! And I think she is. Does the rest of the family exclude her? We only have a teeny bit of info that the LW decided to share with us. Boo you! In the span of two years I have seen his family two times, two hours total. And if this is a continual thing, then she does need to bring it up, with her husband and figure out a way to work through things. And I got carded. It is the husbands job to stand up for his wife to his family and unless, as Wendy suggests, there is a really big reason why she wasnt invited, he should refuse to go unless she is invited as well. Just because he stayed married to her doesnt wed him to share in the consequences of HER choices. His sister lives in another state. If thats the case here, I can definitely see the rudeness. Both choices are of course nuanced by the possibility of husband calling his sister and saying he would like his wife to be invited and asking why she wasnt. Remember, its a big deal introducing a partner to family members. Unless she has committed some heinous crime against the SIL the LW has every right to be upset, in my opinion. Totally fine. Nothing. January 15, 2013, 4:03 pm, Good update! As most of you know, I hate my sisters SO, but even him I would invite (while gritting my teeth). Its more so what theyre hiding and why theyre hiding it from you or hiding you from it. i dont think so. usually by that time in your life, you have a mortgage, kids, whatever, stupid stuff that ties you down and doesnt let you just party whenever you want with whoever you want. Post all the fun you are having on Facebook too! His age and actions lead me to feel like maybe your relationship is not that old and hes still in the I'm just a single guy mentality. I agree. If you really need proof of that if you really need for your husband to alienate himself from his own sister to feel as if the integrity of your marriage is intact, then something is amiss, and I would urge you to figure out what that something is and address it head-on. reader, Xearo+, writes (4 May 2014): A You might need someone to lean on, but if all they do is let you down it may be time to stand on your own. But this line stood out to me: Basically: "A person I thought was a dear friend is having a get-together and not only am I not invited but he/she is being all coy/silent about it." Believe me, I feel your pain and have no. Skyblossom Really? Best of luck! Why? That being said, take my advice with the grain of bitter salt. That is pretty far out of the way to go to something your spouse wasnt invited to. because she is the spouse of someone in the family. IF it were just an oversight, then she could say Oh, I thought because I am MARRIED to John that I was invited too!!!!! In fact the only times things are explicit is if someone is NOT invited. Do you think he made that assumption because you have become, as you say, withdrawn and socially anxious? I think the situation is crappy but we really dont know enough from her letter to tell whether its her being crappy or the SIL (or his entire family). I dont feel so bad for the husband. It was October 2017, and Alyssa Lucido couldn't tell who, exactly, was being unreasonable. Family dynamics can be complicated. January 15, 2013, 10:30 am. Thats totally normal, dont ever feel bad for bringing this up with him. I am AMAZED that you advised this woman that it does not affect the integrity of her marriage if her husband attends a family gathering in which SHE..his wife..is deliberately excluded! WHY is she so rude to you? If the LW did something to make herself unwelcome then thats on her. LW, I remember the first time I was blatantly snubbed. Theres been many an occasion when Ive been excluded from family events in the past (for birthdays to weddings), and while its always insulting, at this point, 10 years into the relationship and 5 years into our marriage, Im happy to let him go visit on his own. In my opinion, the SIL is acting childish and petty (unless the LW has committed one of the acts I mentioned above) and the LWers husband should stand up to his family for his wife. I would take some quality me time and enjoy having the tv remote to myself, clean out some closets one day. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. So I know they existyou just seem to be omitting the reasons behind her behaviour and that seems to indicate they arent favourable to you. that is a big deal. GatorGirl I am using my vacation this year to help my sister move across the country for her new job. Help me. Is he perhaps having an affair with someone there? is he really supposed to drop all his family because his wife doesnt life them? Second of all, dont worry. And I *really* would like LW to respond here with more info a lot more info, right now. Please bring this gift for me, and express that I was upset I wasnt invited. ok, i change my answer. Why did he do this if he knew it would hurt me? That goes for ANYTHING in life. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Maybe her MIL has mamas boy issues and made it sound to the SIL like the LW would never be willing to come all the way to Chicago for a party in order to get her special boy to come out by himself. They do it because they are evil and know it and they have to blame the victim. Family tends to be able to see those things. January 15, 2013, 11:15 am. Let your husband go, plan a girls weekend, and take a spa day! Why should he estrange himself from his family because you have behaved badly in the past? So basically, shes not invited anymore! They are just jealous that he has a real family now I told him I didnt want him to go.. January 15, 2013, 10:08 pm. It just seems less likely that your SIL has some completely unwarranted vendetta against you that your husband is fine with it. ktfran January 15, 2013, 10:50 am. Essentially, LW is looking for support that her husband should not go NO MATTER WHAT LW MAY HAVE DONE. BUT. January 15, 2013, 11:59 am. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself before you talk to him. This morning I realised that he never asked me if I was coming, so I mentioned to him that it hurt my feelings that he didn't even ask me if I wanted to come. Melissa It will suck your soul away you will always be the bad guy and you will never win. if you dont plant the seed, it doesnt grow. Im a guy and find it disrespectful. For all we know, he could have. Lists all the reasons your boyfriend was the complete opposite of OP. I think this would have been a great opportunity to have some fun, socialise, have a few drinks and meet new people! Now that I know that the LW has not committed an offense that calls for being disinvited, I feel very sorry for her because she has a major problem with her husband. I might even call your SIL before the party to find out what is up or to finalize flight arrangements as if you ARE goingthen you can suss out whether your husband is not being truthful with you. Sponsored by Past Chronicles You've been using these items wrong every single day. just dont go. act like an adult! Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future. temperance They don't shun me because of anything I did. If you don't want to drive your boyfriend around so he could prepare for a party you're not going to, you could have said "I can appreciate that your car is not working. Look for other signs that hes not fully committed or not as committed as you to the relationship. if your the asshole, well, you can take steps to try to change that. So do the best thing, let him go and be your fabulous self. I mean, I could certainly see myself reaching out to just my brother to tell him about a party and ASSUMING OF COURSE his wife would come. Relevant questions: Did he ask you to help him shop or did you offer? He needs to put me first and stand by me. 19. You may feel like you're being left out or neglected. Theres no reason to put everybody out because youre turning _____ old. Making this so about your marriage is weird. Who the fuck do you think you are? GatorGirl It made me confront my own issues and realize my own mistakes in friendships. Its what I do. Vent to your close friends, if need be. That is the risk with drawing a line in the sandsomeone might just cross it. Maybe the answer would have been "no". We tell LWs all the time that they dont have to include people in their lives that they feel are toxic. Hes gone down on you once; youve gone down on him no less than eight times. Her situation is the complete opposite, her boyfriend is purposefully isolating her from that part of his life. January 15, 2013, 9:53 am. So did you not say anything when he said "I didn't think you wanted to come"? Every hour of his free time doesn't have to be dedicated to you. Really? he wouldnt stand up for me there.. If he cannot do that then were doomed! paying my own bills and getting medical care). January 15, 2013, 10:20 am. Although youre definitely sure he was grinding on that blonde girl over there a second ago. Oh so hard to give advice without more information. However, you need to keep in mind that: There are reasons why he leaves you alone at parties. he cant change her behavior either so then even if she is being a jerk, does that mean that he shouldnt go to her party? Do any other commenters wonder if its the husband orchestrating this and not the SIL? So today, there was a party, small coffee shop opened that is owned by his friend. January 15, 2013, 9:53 pm, The LW January 15, 2013, 9:59 pm, And if you were expressly NOT invited and you have no idea why she is snubbing you, if that happened to me Id be SO SO SO worried that I did something to offend her. one is legitimate and perhaps can be remedied, one is just adding more fuel to the fire and is going to cost everyone in the long run.. lemongrass I think if it wasnt a valid reason then she would have pursued getting an invite or a reason why not first, then asked her husband to stay home. I wouldnt attend a party my own sister invited me to but didnt invite my fiance. Was there a fancy invitation addressed just to him, or did sis call his cell and tell him to be available on her birthday weekend without making it clear the message was meant for the two of you? If the SIL wouldnt talk to me, Id try others in the family, or ask my husband to do it. What should I do? We are not exclusive since we have never brought up the talk. Then I brushed off my ego and said I have tons of friends who do love me, want to be around me, and are worth my time. Our family felt sort of uncomfortable around her, but she was still invited to events & everyone was polite. I wasn't invited to my boyfriend's family function, and I can't seem to get over it. And, if the LW is so awful that the husband totally gets why no one in his family wants to see her, then thats a marital issue they need to address. Maybe shes one of those people who ruins a good time- we often read letters about them- Theres that one person who gets drunk and starts fights, or doesnt know how to act in public and makes everyone uncomfortable. I am lucky that my husbands family is nice. When a spouse is excluded from a family event, it may very well be due to poor behavior such as provoking an argument when drunk. He said "sorry didn't think you wanted to come" and kinda brushed it off. So, in my mind, if you are being excluded for no good reason then he should stick up for you and not go. MORE: Does he want a relationship or just sex? Fabelle January 15, 2013, 2:12 pm. LOL..all that was missing from the original letter was an alas. Did he ask you to drive him for pre-drinks or did you offer? Like Wendy said, Im guessing there are serious issues that led to this very blatant exclusion, and Im sure the degree of their legitimacy depends on how you talk to. On the other hand, its possible that hes embarrassed about his family and doesnt want you to meet them as hes worried about what youll think. You can't get mad at him for spending time with his friends, just like he doesn't have the right to get mad at you for hanging out with your friends in return. You can't. You can invite your aunt and her husband but not cousins if you're not inviting other cousins. I thought we had an okay relationship but I wasnt invited to the bachelorette party. I know that its her wedding & its what she wants but I just kind of feel some type of way bc Ive wanted them to come & do things with us & included them in thins out here .. & idk I just feel as if my feelings were kind of hurt. Your boyfriend of a year doesn't invite you to his birthday party he would be my ex boyfriend Delete Report Edit Reported Reply Boost 7 Agree 1 Disagree Quite pathetic if you ask me. January 15, 2013, 9:57 pm. 20. January 15, 2013, 9:58 am. I love partying & all, & I make a big fuss over my friends and loved ones birthdays (with presents, drinks, verbally being excited), but it IS annoying when the birthday man/woman makes a big thing over his or her OWN birthday. My favorite not holiday is the Kentucky Derby. I would ask your husband to privately talk with his sister about the issue in a non confrontational way and find out why she chose to not invite you. Are you for real? Theyre just bitter, unhappy, horrible people. But if he NEVER invites you out, when the group is big and mixed, he just doesnt want to spend time with you. And for god sakes, these are your in-laws. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/03/poisoned_meals_my_mother_in_law_may_be_trying_to_make_me_sick_.html. I would actually wait a little longer than the morning. So, message received. Anyway, I dont know your specific circumstances, but I do know what its like to feel hopeless and helpless about situations in your life you cannot control or change. I have to wonder if it isnt something like this. You're not overreacting, but all of this could have been handled differently. I cant wait to hear an update on this one! My point is sometimes people dont really need a huge reason to act ridiculously. Confrontation is never fun, but the LW needs to get to the bottom of this situation for her own personal integrity, and because the situation will escalate in the future. I didnt know what I had done to these people! If its anything else then I think the SIL is in the wrong and the LW has every right to ask her husband to either smooth things over with the sister or him to not go. I feel a bit like the rug or at least a corner of the rug has been pulled out from under me. And like someone above said, he can let his family know when he goes that he doesnt appreciate the fact that she was excluded and he thinks its rude. I think if it was closeby then it wouldnt be a big deal for the husband to go solo , but asking the husband to travel and not the wife could presumably take up vacation or travel money that they have as a household, wendykh By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. It is assumed you both will be there unless you state otherwise. However, my husband feels differently. Especially considering you never really said you wanted to go or asked him if you could - all you said was you wished he had asked. GatorGirl Having an affair with someone there ( while gritting my teeth ) will... They have to blame the victim `` no '' _____ old but she was still invited to the relationship boyfriend. Good update yourself before you talk to me, and express that I was blatantly snubbed leaves you alone parties. There was a party my own issues and realize my own issues and realize my issues! 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